104: Brad Stulberg | Self-Discipline Versus Self-Compassion

Brad Stulberg is a bestselling author, consultant, executive coach, and adjunct professor at the University of Michigan. Brad regularly contributes to the New York Times, and his work has also been featured in the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and the Atlantic. In his coaching practice, Brad works with executives, entrepreneurs, physicians, and athletes on their mental skills and overall well-being.

Brad earned both his undergraduate degree and master’s degree from the University of Michigan.

In this episode we discuss the following:

• Fierce self-discipline requires fierce self-compassion.
• Doing hard things, showing up even when you don’t feel like it, is integral to having meaning and excellence in life. But you’ve got to be kind to yourself too. Because if you’re not kind to yourself, your self-discipline is not going to be sustainable.
• Self-discipline takes you to the really hard places and allows you to step into the arena, but if you beat yourself every time you fail, why would you take that risk in the future?
• Self-discipline and self-compassion end up getting pitted against each other. But as Brad observes people on the path of excellence, it’s not either or. It’s both and.
• Individuals who practice self-compassion are more resilient and tend to work through challenges more skillfully.
• “I knew intellectually that I should be self-compassionate, but it wasn’t until I had a severe episode of depression that I realized I wasn’t very kind to myself.”
• “I was carrying a lot of self-discipline, but no one really taught me the self-compassion side of the equation. And I had to learn that to get through the depression, because simply showing up is really hard when you’re depressed.”
• Self-compassion: “Have your own back.”
• Self-care is really community care. All the research on resilience shows that the number one factor of resilience is seeking support and being enmeshed in a circle of belonging and community.
• The things that work, work until they get in the way. Self-discipline works until you self-destruct because you’re pushing yourself so hard.
• Self-compassion works until you get so soft that you don’t actually start, and every time you feel a little bit off you let those feelings dictate what happens next.

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